Tales of Adventure, Volume 4, Chapter 19: In which we learn the fate of our intrepid treasure hunters

Since we last left the tale of the 25 brave brackets seeking buried treasure in the treacherous jungle, combing the ruins of the lost civilization of the Jayhawk, Tarheel, and Buckeye peoples in the far away land of Basketballistan no word has been heard.  What can have become of their exploits?  Who of their party has taken command of the expedition?

On the morning of March 28, a telegram arrived at the headquarters of the Dutch East Indies Company.  After reading the communiqué the owner of the esteemed trading house, Sir Maximilian van Rheinenkugel, swore a particularly vulgar oath, then handed the note to the company physician, Dr. Marten van Nostrand.  Reading the telegram, Dr. van Nostrand’s face went ashen.  “Dear God,” he stammered.  “Not one…”

Curiosity piquing I awaited further elaboration from Dr. van Nostrand.  With none forthcoming, I then grabbed the telegram from the paralyzed Dr. van Nostrand.  There were three sentences typed:

“None survived.  Killed by natives.  Send replacements.”

And…scene.

That’s right.  After Kansas was unable to withstand the buzzsaw that is the VCU Rams and UNC dropped their game with Kentucky, the last live teams on any of the entries were eliminated.  And like a bunch of postal workers being mowed down by an unhinged former co-worker, all the brackets are dead.

Fear not, there will be other sports with other silly prediction contests, and the Final Four will still go on with its frequent TV timeouts, 30 second timeouts, and full timeouts.  We will still occasionally forget to fast forward through some of the ridiculous ads bought by spendthrift companies who are trying to sell us ridiculous products like motorized tricycles for adults or satellite television.  (Memo to the Can-Am company: a motorized trike is a stupid idea.  Who buys that?  The middle-aged suburbanite with disposable income aspiring to be a bad-ass outlaw, but can’t ride a bike?  And don’t get me started on that creepy DirecTV ad featuring what appears to be a wealthy Russian mobster…)  Oh, and there will still be some basketball played between all the revenue being generated to net a return on the $10.8 billion invested by CBS and Turner Broadcasting in the coverage of the tournament.  It’ll be okay.

The sun will come up tomorrow…

Li'l Orphan Annie says, "Better luck next year."

And now the final….

Leaderboard Name Total Matias 69 Ben 62 Wilson2 62 Dylann 60 Devin1 57 Cantaloupe 3 56 Tony 56 Joe R. 55 TD2 55 Devin2 54 Ryan 54 Wilson1 53 Healey 52 Regan 52 Steve A. 52 The Champ 52 Serena 50 TD1 50 A. Johnson 49 Oordt2 49 Cantaloupe 2 48 Cantaloupe 1 46 Oordt1 46 TD3 46 Hollah 45

Awards

The Ichiban Means Number One Award goes to Matias Garcia.  Matias wins the Big Prize, a lifetime subscription to MPMN magazine.  And as if that weren’t enough, Matias will also take home 58.4% of the prize purse.

The Thrill of Victory

The First Loser Award goes to…no one yet.  We have a tie between Benjamin and Wilson2.  They can chose to split 37.6% of the pot, which would give them each 18.8%, or they could wait until we get a final score in the championship to break the tie.  2^nd place was originally due 24.0% with 3^rd taking home 13.6%.  Talk it out – or hug it out, if you like – among yourselves, gentlemen.  Weigh the difference between a guaranteed present amount, or a possibly higher future amount.  Apply your best economic thinking and let me know which you prefer.

And most importantly, the Genius Lies On Both Ends Of Bell Curve Award goes to Matthew Hollister, also known to us as Hollah.  Our chum Hollah managed to ride the wave that is Pitt Panther basketball to a massive 45 point output.

The Agony of Defeat

That’s all for the bracket prediction contest.  Now that we’ve established a readership here at the blog, keep checking back for further posting.  I’ll be posting the rest of the week leading up to the semis and final.  Who knows, I might even try live blogging those games.  After that, we’ll keep the blog going with more hilarity, but probably less basketball analysis.